Mr Ross Leslie, "open-spot c*nt"

My Gloves

What a first world problem to have eh?

As we approached winter 2012 I had to make a super important purchase in the form of black leather gloves.  This was because my mainstay brown leather ones that had served me well in the winters of 2010 and 2011 had gone missing!  Missing and foul play was suspected.

I should first explain my obsession with having my hands warm and the leather gloves requirement.

I’m a very hot man, no seriously.  Not in a “wow, Josh is looking hot in his swimwear today” way, but as in I’m a sweaty bastard.  Even in the winter.  I am always too hot and can genuinely leave a house for a night out without a jacket and be fine about it; as long as I know I will be walking more than 10 yards, to bring about the necessary body heat.

But, when it comes to my hands, I need them covered folks.  There are probably 53 or 54 reasons for this but we don’t have time.  So, we will stick with a couple with the first one being Mark Calaway, better known as The Undertaker.

The Undertaker is probably the greatest WWE wrestler of all time and if anyone has seen me live they will know I like my WWE and other American wrestling promotions. 

“Taker” played a “dead man” character and would walk slowly to the ring with a purpose and had the best entrance and gimmick of all time as well as being technically brilliant too.  The gloves were part of the gimmick and what I loved most was the way he used them, every now and then he would pull the gloves down as if to tighten them and I, Ross Leslie, father of 3 or 4 depending on who you listen to, still do it to this day.  Makes me feel like a big man.

The other reason is protection and not in a Dexter kind of way, i.e. trying to stop evidence from being left behind in a crime scene.  Besides I don’t have that many people I want to murder to heal myself.  I’m too lazy to write a code and probably couldn’t afford the plastic sheeting anyway.

I have considered recently being a sort of animal Dexter.  Not a koala bear Dexter or something, ha ha, can you imagine?  No, I mean, like, dispensing justice on animals who have wronged.  It would be like Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, was Debra Morgan or Sergeant Batista, and I would be like Dexter Morgan.  I’m sure my wife would be up for this as she bloody loves Dexter.  Bloody loves him.

The reason for that is Weasley, damn Weasley.  This is the name I have given to the horrible ginger cat that lives on our street, and that’s just the polite name I have given him.  If you weren’t around and I was in a safe environment, it would be the C word.

He is an awful bully.  My cat Cena (continuing the WWE obsession) came in again last night around 10pm cut up to hell.  And we know it’s him.  Not because of any DNA evidence found, we just know.  We know because we have seen him in action actually winding up our Cena and chasing him around our garden.  He has the nerve to come into our garden and chase him about and attack him.  We have caught him several times coming into the house and trying to eat his food.

So as you will see from the damning circumstantial evidence noted he is clearly to blame and justice needs to be had.  Now, he is twice the size of Cena, so Cena will never be able to handle this himself, so it is down to me, his registered owner.

I mean who would miss this Weasley cat, he roams the streets at night scratching and fighting smaller cats so he clearly doesn’t have an owner, so why shouldn’t he be taken out.

I could strap him to my table, which as he is a cat would probably be best as a coffee table or something.  I could then show him pictures of bloodied cats’ noses from the area so he knows why he is there, and then finally take a swatch of his fur and keep in one of those wee cases for memory cards.

But, I don’t have a boat so maybe it’s a non-starter; anyway I’m just thinking out loud here, so no big deal.

And yes, I was talking about a first world problem.  This is the fact that I have found my original brown pair – they were in the boot of my car – so now have two quality pairs of gloves to rotate on different days.  It’s going to be a bloody nightmare trying to select which pair as I’m colour blind!