What a first world problem to have eh?
As we approached winter 2012 I had to make a super important purchase in the form of black leather gloves. This was because my mainstay brown leather ones that had served me well in the winters of 2010 and 2011 had gone missing! Missing and foul play was suspected.
I should first explain my obsession with having my hands warm and the leather gloves requirement.
I’m a very hot man, no seriously. Not in a “wow, Josh is looking hot in his swimwear today” way, but as in I’m a sweaty bastard. Even in the winter. I am always too hot and can genuinely leave a house for a night out without a jacket and be fine about it; as long as I know I will be walking more than 10 yards, to bring about the necessary body heat.
But, when it comes to my hands, I need them covered folks. There are probably 53 or 54 reasons for this but we don’t have time. So, we will stick with a couple with the first one being Mark Calaway, better known as The Undertaker.
The Undertaker is probably the greatest WWE wrestler of all time and if anyone has seen me live they will know I like my WWE and other American wrestling promotions.
“Taker” played a “dead man” character and would walk slowly to the ring with a purpose and had the best entrance and gimmick of all time as well as being technically brilliant too. The gloves were part of the gimmick and what I loved most was the way he used them, every now and then he would pull the gloves down as if to tighten them and I, Ross Leslie, father of 3 or 4 depending on who you listen to, still do it to this day. Makes me feel like a big man.
The other reason is protection and not in a Dexter kind of way, i.e. trying to stop evidence from being left behind in a crime scene. Besides I don’t have that many people I want to murder to heal myself. I’m too lazy to write a code and probably couldn’t afford the plastic sheeting anyway.
I have considered recently being a sort of animal Dexter. Not a koala bear Dexter or something, ha ha, can you imagine? No, I mean, like, dispensing justice on animals who have wronged. It would be like Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, was Debra Morgan or Sergeant Batista, and I would be like Dexter Morgan. I’m sure my wife would be up for this as she bloody loves Dexter. Bloody loves him.
The reason for that is Weasley, damn Weasley. This is the name I have given to the horrible ginger cat that lives on our street, and that’s just the polite name I have given him. If you weren’t around and I was in a safe environment, it would be the C word.
He is an awful bully. My cat Cena (continuing the WWE obsession) came in again last night around 10pm cut up to hell. And we know it’s him. Not because of any DNA evidence found, we just know. We know because we have seen him in action actually winding up our Cena and chasing him around our garden. He has the nerve to come into our garden and chase him about and attack him. We have caught him several times coming into the house and trying to eat his food.
So as you will see from the damning circumstantial evidence noted he is clearly to blame and justice needs to be had. Now, he is twice the size of Cena, so Cena will never be able to handle this himself, so it is down to me, his registered owner.
I mean who would miss this Weasley cat, he roams the streets at night scratching and fighting smaller cats so he clearly doesn’t have an owner, so why shouldn’t he be taken out.
I could strap him to my table, which as he is a cat would probably be best as a coffee table or something. I could then show him pictures of bloodied cats’ noses from the area so he knows why he is there, and then finally take a swatch of his fur and keep in one of those wee cases for memory cards.
But, I don’t have a boat so maybe it’s a non-starter; anyway I’m just thinking out loud here, so no big deal.
And yes, I was talking about a first world problem. This is the fact that I have found my original brown pair – they were in the boot of my car – so now have two quality pairs of gloves to rotate on different days. It’s going to be a bloody nightmare trying to select which pair as I’m colour blind!
Hey, leave OUR BBC alone.
Ross Leslie on his High Horse
So this week the British media and public decided to play a game of blame apportionment, in relation to patently-obvious-with-hindsight paedophile, Jimmy Savile.
This has resulted in people young enough, but not gender enough (Peter Rippon, George Entwistle etc) in bother for not commissioning a Newsnight expose that would have still come 40-50 years too late for some of the victims.
It did lead to a strange set of circumstances on BBC Scotland (which I listen to because I’m better than you) where comments like “the BBC were unavailable for comment following Panorama programme” YOU ARE THE FUCKING BBC, AND SO IS PANORAMA!
Of course it was awful what Savile did, and of course his buddies Glitter and the other one – you know. But don’t blame the current mob at BBC – “hey dickhead why didn’t you stop all this child abuse in your time machine huh? And like sort out Marty McFly’s Parkinson’s while you’re there” Come on to fuck, folks, be reasonable.
I actually hated the show anyway – all these wee fannies having their dreams made on Saturday night TV, when I was probably peeling tatties or something like that. I wish I had written to him to smack some of them in the teeth, but he took it too far if he got my “imaginary letter”.
I mean it’s not as if everyone was hymen breaking, Brucie Forsyth is a saint, Dick and Dom aren’t spit-roasting and god forbid Anne Robinson wouldn’t do something like that to young boys. Although that would explain John Barrowman right enough…….
The BBC is the one thing I’ll miss WHEN we become independent, it’s the best thing about being British – let’s protect this institution from these morons on a witch-hunt.
So that’s me getting off my high horse, so, em, come at me bro!
Cystic Fibrosis Charity Night - 7th October 2012
CYSTIC FIBROSIS TRUST COMEDY NIGHT
Come see some of Scotland’s most popular comedy acts perform to help raise funds and awareness for the work carried out by the CF Trust.
Have a giggle with us for £5 entry fee with all funds raised on the night going to help a great cause, the CF Trust.
Your headline act:
Heat line ups so far are:
Kilmarnock Palace Theatre, Fri 7th sept
As well as the spots I’m doing (here, you fools) you are probably wondering “hey, sexy, what other shows do you recommend?” So below are a list of shows I recommend and this will act as a list for me to use to see myself. Enjoy fuckers:
Gareth Waugh and Chris Conroy - http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/thatcher-s-death-party
Liam Withnail and Owen McGuire - http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/liam-and-owen-a-cracking-one-off-show
Britain’s Got Fuck All Talent - http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/britain-s-got-f-ck-all-talent
Car Crash Comedy - http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/car-crash-comedy-2012
Late Night Bun Fight - http://www.scottishcomedyfestival.com/bunfight.html
Soap Box - Comedy Debate Slam - http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/soap-box-the-comedy-debate-slam
Jamie Andrew and Steven Halcrow - http://www.scottishcomedyfestival.com/betterinthanout.html
Will Setchell - http://www.scottishcomedyfestival.com/will_setchell.html
Adam Mitchell and Phil O’Shea - http://www.scottishcomedyfestival.com/adam.html
Matt Winning - http://www.scottishcomedyfestival.com/winning.html
Julia Sutherland - http://www.scottishcomedyfestival.com/julia_sutherland.html
Pearse James - http://www.scottishcomedyfestival.com/pearce_james.html
Gentlemen Bears (Keiron Nicholson) - http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/gentlemen-bears
Richard Gadd and Matt Winning - http://www.chortle.co.uk/shows/edinburgh_fringe_2012/g/20878/gadd_and_winning%3A_well%2C_this_is_awkwarder
Scot Laird, Liam Cumbers and pals - http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/kids-we-used-to-be-free
Claire Myychael, Chris Bain and Anna Devitt - http://www.laughinghorsecomedy.co.uk/edinburgh/show.asp?ShowID=1256
Robin Valo and Gregor Wappler - http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/applause
Innis Snelling, Richard Brown, Keiron Nicholson, Anjan Biswas - https://www.facebook.com/events/239877139456040/
Gareth Mutch, Ray Fordyce, Gen Cytko - http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/life-the-universe-whatever
Also go to the fucking Wayside in Causewayside every day apart from Saturday 5-7pm in August. Mr Mitchell’s house of madness!
Tabloids love a good pun, don’t they from:
- How To Solve A Problem Like Korea
- Two Shags
- Headless Body In Topless Bar
- Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious
It got me thinking that I bet they have all these things saved up on a vault, although perhaps they have now updated this to an encrypted file on the editors PC. I assumed this as they always seem to strike the right note with their headlines and have the unwashed laughing in the aisles.
They do love to hate some celebrities despite the fact that their existence allows them to sell newspapers. It would be like me hating people who laugh or buy houses.
If I am mistaken and they dont have such things saved up, I thought I would give them a few for some currently alive celebrities to use for when they die:
Michael Barrymore…………………………………. BARRY NO-MORE
Kerry Katona……………………………………….. KERRY MY COFFIN
Amy Childs………………………………………….. THE ONLY WAS IS HELL
Cheryl Tweedy……………………………………… NO FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FOR HER LIFE
Imogen Thomas…………………………………….. TITS OUT FOR THE UNDERTAKER
Lembit Opik…………………………………………. LEM-A-BIT DEAD
Piers Morgan……………………………………….. PIERS MOR-GONE
I genuinely dont want these people to die, just wanting to help our lovely tabloid papers.
Edinburgh Fringe 2012
Since I started stand-up 5 months ago today, I have done 24 gigs and seem to be getting not too bad at this game. Last night I was lucky enough to win Fuck You I’m Funny 2012 competition at The Shack, Edinburgh.
This year’s Fringe will be my first while trying to be a stand-up, and I have 22 gigs lined up at 3 or 4 various locations - click on Gig Dates to come and see - pretty much all of them are free as you would imagine.
Wee question to finish off on - “who is your favourite Nazi?”
Compliments About My Beard
10 things that people have said about my beard recently:
“Hey man, you’ve not shaved”
“What’s on your face?”
“Did you cut it in, what are you that douche from *nsync*?”
“I love it, no really, I do”
“Why, do you have it again?”
“Don’t say that, it does too, make you look awesome”
“Has your wife approved this?”
“Charles Manson had one”
“So does Noel Edmonds”
“Oh hi mate, see you still have the, ahem, beard”
Man, people love it!!